I don’t know why I thought of these today. I do know that the world does not need them. Nevertheless, for my amusement, here are 10 painfully bad Abraham Lincoln jokes.
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- A woman once asked Lincoln why he did not join the Republican Party sooner. Lincoln replied, “well, I guess you could say that I was just Whigging out, madam.”
- You may have noticed that no Lincolns were included in the Daytona 500 field yesterday. Lincolns are good cars, but they always die at the beginning of the second turn.
- While walking to the Capitol Building with some members of Congress, Lincoln picked up a crumpled piece of paper on the ground. Lincoln dusted off the note, read it, and laughed to himself. One of the men asked Lincoln to share the humorous contents with the group. Lincoln resisted, “I’m not one to tell dirty jokes.”
- Ironically, legend has it that Lincoln saw pennies and didn’t pick them up. He did, however, pick up $5.00 bills. What monster wouldn’t do that?
- Did you hear that John Wilkes Booth appears in the upcoming Jurassic Park movie? In a key scene, Booth jumps off of a balcony shouting, “Sic Semper Tyrannosaurus!”
- Lincoln famously did not drink alcohol. Mary Todd, on the other hand, was quite comfortable with strong spirits.
- Lincoln preferred Frederick Douglass over Stephen A. Douglas. Lincoln remarked, “Douglas is just too short and doesn’t look right.”
- The farmer lobby was always skeptical of Lincoln. Their biggest complaint was that Lincoln was for Clay before he was for free soil.
- A reporter asked Lincoln in what general he couple place his confidence. Lincoln replied incredulously, “Well, sure man, like I would grant you a response to that ridiculous request. I would say Burnside, but you would know that I didn’t Meade it.”
- Upon Lincoln’s death, the Mohican nation did in fact perish from the earth.
Tyler Dale Gaastra 